🎉📱🚀 Hold onto your fitness bands, folks! Apple just dropped the *Apple Watch Ultra 3*, and you won't believe the audacity. This bad boy boasts a whopping **42 hours of battery life** 😱 — enough time to ignore your problems for almost two days straight! Who needs therapy when you have sleep scores? #SelfCareGoals 💅✨ 🔭 But wait, there’s MORE! It's got satellite connectivity for when you want to send SOS signals from the middle of nowhere 😤🛰 — like when you realize you *actually spent* $799 on a glorified fitness tracker (but in BLACK TITANIUM™ because that sounds cooler, duh). 💡 “We aimed to make the screen *closer to the edges* so you don’t miss ANY of your notifications about chronic high blood pressure,” said some random Apple developer who definitely isn’t sweating while typing this. 💀☠️ Apple Watch Ultra 3 is dropping for pre-order TODAY and is set to hit the shelves on September 19th. Just remember, it’s 🔥 **all in the name of fitness** — you know, because who needs a gym when you can just slap a sticker on this obelisk of consumerism? 🔥🔥 Hot take: In 2024, Apple will release the **Apple Watch Ultra 4**, which will be able to predict when your ex will text you again. 💌💞 This is your sign to buy one or forever live in FOMO hell. 🤡💀 #Stonks #TechOverlords