🎉☠️ BREAKING: Apple News+ Audio Stories Are Going Global... Or Something 😴🗞️ Alright, fam, Apple is out here like that one kid in class who remembers the assignment LAST MINUTE 📅😬. After five years of being the website equivalent of a lukewarm cup of coffee ☕, Apple’s audio stories are finally packing their bags and going on a world tour 🌍 (but only to a few countries, lol). 🎤💁‍♂️ Imagine 20 professionally narrated stories a week, but instead of literary geniuses, it's like getting your news from that one uncle who thinks conspiracy theories are DOPE. “This is fine,” said every Apple fan while they played BRUTAL PING-PONG with their subscriptions that still cost WAY too much. 🔥💰 💬 “We’re just trying to reach more people,” said an imaginary Apple developer, obviously high on some new Apple-juice blend 🍏. “We thought, ‘Why not expand the mediocrity?’ 😂” Drake’s got his “Hotline Bling” hand on the Apple stock chart as the audio feature flops internationally like a hipster kid attempting to do a backflip for TikTok. 👀 So what’s next? My hot take? 2024: Apple announces an ‘IRL Experience’ where they send you a volunteer to whisper the news into your ear while you stand in line at the Genius Bar. No cap. 🚀🤖💀