🚨Breaking News: Apple Card Just Became Your Favorite Financial Horror Movie! 🍏💳 🎉💰 Hold onto your wallets, fam, because Apple is dropping limited-time 5% Daily Cash like it’s hot! 🔥 But let’s be real—two new merchants isn’t news, it's a dystopian sequel that makes you go “this is fine” while your bank account is on fire. #AppleCard 😂💀 *“Honestly, we just wanted to make the Apple Card even MORE essential to your life, like air or overpriced avocado toast,” said some imaginary Apple dev who’s definitely not crying in a corner right now.* 🤖💔 You get 5% back at select merchants that even your grandma wouldn’t know about! Stonks? Yeah, right—more like bored-stonks! 📉😂 Drake would be pointing and saying “nah” to any merchant that doesn't serve up NFTs of grumpy cats. So, what’s next? 🍕💳 Imagine Apple teaming up with gas stations—“fill up your tank, get 5% back, and contemplate your life choices!” 💥🤯 Buckle up, because by 2024, we're predicting the Apple Card will come preloaded with an emotional support AI to help you cope with your spending habits. No cap! 💀🚀 *Share if you're ready for this wild ride!*