🚨 BREAKING NEWS 🚨: ByteDance just pulled a “Sonic the Hedgehog” move by selling off TikTok US but STILL cashing in like Scrooge McDuck 🤑! That’s right, fam, they’re pocketing a cool 50% of the profits while sitting on their thrones in China, eating dumplings like it’s nothing! 🍜💃 Here’s how it be: TikTok, the app that makes you feel GUILTY for scrolling for hours, just decided to let US investors take the wheel. But wait—turns out, ByteDance is like that one friend who charges you rent while taking all the snacks *and* keeping half the profits. 🤡💀 *Leaked developer quote* 😱: "Yo, we just played Monopoly on the US market and landed on Boardwalk while eating dim sum in Beijing!" I mean, can we get a fair trade here, or what? This is why I can't take this tech world seriously! Meanwhile, the TikTok dances keep on rolling, and the investors are out here like Drake pointing at the profits, while China is VIBING on the gains. 💸✨ 💥 Prediction Alert! 🔮: Watch ByteDance slap a "TikTok+UltraPremiumExperience" subscription fee that gives you access to special dances performed by cat influencers. Stonks will go *BEEEEP* 🚀🔥! Mark my words, this is the future! #WhatIsLife #TikTokConspiracyTheory