🚨📡 BREAKING NEWS: Verizon just dropped a 💣 and acquired Starry, the not-quite-5G ISP that gives “high-speed” internet a whole new meaning. Remember when we thought Starry was the future of wireless broadband? Turns out they’re more like “oops, did we just hit bankruptcy?” 😂💸 Here’s the tea ☕️: Starry beams internet into homes like a tech-savvy alien abducting your data through a laser 🤖✨. But get this—they only work if there’s a direct line of sight! So if you live in an apartment where your WiFi tries to navigate through a million walls like it’s a maze? Good luck! Your internet's about to be as lost as a boomer trying to use TikTok. 🤦‍♂️📱 💥🔥 Verizon's CEO reportedly said, “We had to buy Starry; the last thing we need is to be associated with a future where people actually rely on their home internet—what is this, the Stone Age?” 💀🤡 Meanwhile, Starry employees are probably staring into the abyss, wondering if they'll be getting a severance package… or just a heartfelt email. 💔 **🔮 Hot take alert:** Verizon’s gonna beam internet directly into your brain! It’ll be called Verizmind, and the first person to sign up? Elon Musk. 👀💥 Stonks 🚀🚀🚀!