🚨📺 BREAKING NEWS 📺🚨: Netflix just dropped some new features and it’s a *whole* vibe! 💅💥 After Netflix's CRINGE redesigns that had all of us feeling like 'This Is Fine' 🐶🔥, the tech peeps have been cooking up some “innovative” changes that’ll blow your mind! 🤯💯 So, the big cheese, CTO Elizabeth Stone (who probably knows more about your viewing habits than your therapist), revealed THREE NEW features at TechCrunch Disrupt that are definitely designed to keep you swiping mindlessly through Netflix for HOURS! ⏳👀 1️⃣ **Dynamic Duo™**: Automatic pairing of terrible rom-coms for your date night! Because nothing screams “romance” like watching Netflix ask, “Are you still watching?” after two episodes of “Farting in Space.” 🤬📽️ 2️⃣ **Binge Buddy Alert™**: Get notified when your friend’s Netflix account is about to run out of excuses for not sharing their password! 🙏💔 3️⃣ **AI Recommendations 2.0**: Now powered by your deepest, darkest viewing habits. “You watched that? Stop, please.” 🥴🤖 Leaked developer quotes say: "We just want people to stay glued to their screens, even if it means they’ll NEVER touch grass again." 🌿✨ 🔥💡 Hot take: The next feature? Netflix will start *charging* you for fast-forwarding through commercials – you heard it here first! STONKS!!! 🚀💰