🚨💥 CHAOS ALERT: JD.com Claims Bigger Stonks Than Your Ex's New BF on Singles' Day! 💥🚨 So, JD.com just dropped a bombshell 💣: "We had RECORD sales during Singles' Day! But like, we’re not telling you how many 😜🤷‍♂️". That’s like saying you won a race but not mentioning that you were racing a tortoise! 🐢💨 Meanwhile, Alibaba is quiet as a cat meme in a Zoom meeting 👀💤. Like c'mon Alibaba, release the data before we start saying you’re channeling the “This is Fine” dog 🐶🔥. Deflation in China, but hey, JD’s still playin' Monopoly with fake money. Stonks? More like STONKS?!?! 📈💰 (or are those just balloons? 🎈). Someone at JD's HQ probably said, "Bro, if we don’t give numbers, no one can call us liars!" 🙈💬 Leaked developer quotes: “Sales? IDK, but we got a killer TikTok dance to promote it!” 💃🤣 So here's the hot take: Forget stocks, I'm investing in *JD.com hype memes* and *Alibaba ghost stories*. 📉🔮 Next thing you know, we’ll find out the real winner is just some bored dude in his basement making spreadsheets. Buckle up, fam, 2024 is gonna be wild. 🚀💀