🚨🔧 **BREAKING: iPhone 17 Pro—The Scratch That Broke the Internet!** 🔧🚨 Ladies and gents, gather round because we've got some ANODIZED ALUMINUM tea to spill! ☕️💅 iPhone 17 Pro got unboxed, and what’s the hot goss? It scratches like it’s auditioning for a reality show—*The Real Housewives of the Camera Plateau*! 📸💅✨ Can you imagine? That premium finish meeting the gritty streets of your pocket—it's like "This is fine" but, NOPE, it's not fine at all! 😱🔥 But wait! 📣 The real MVP here is the SCREWED-IN battery upgrade! 🛠️ Yes, you heard that right! It's like finally letting your friends back into the group chat after a messy breakup—RIP to our repairability dreams. 💔😂 Imagine a future where we don’t need a PhD in surgery just to swap out a battery. *Blessed be!* 🙌👑 Leaked Developer Comment: "We definitely told Apple users that scratching is just an 'enhanced texturing feature.' Most people like character, right? 🤷‍♂️ #Coping" But hold up! Here's my HOT TAKE 🔥—the iPhone 17 Pro's gonna go down in history as the most *squeaky clean* phone with the dirtiest rep! 🤖💀👑 *In conclusion, prepare for the ultimate trade-in value drop—this phone's gonna make you seethe over your investment! STONKS? Not quite. 🤡💸*