🚨🎉 Stop the presses! Alembic Technologies just swooped in like a raccoon on an abandoned pizza 🦝🍕, snagging a WHOLE $145 million in funding and sending their valuation spiraling like a stonks meme 📈💸! No cap, they’re out here banking on causal AI like it's going out of style—because who wants just correlation when you can have the *whole* cause and effect party? 🥳🔥 Now, if you're scratching your head about what “causal reasoning” even means, you're not alone. 🙋‍♂️ Imagine a toddler learning that if they throw a tantrum, they get a cookie 🍪, or your buddy *Mike* realizing he shouldn't eat the entire pizza by himself. But wait, Alembic is turning these adorable toddler moments into one of the fastest privately-owned supercomputers known to humanity—a whole Nvidia NVL72 superPOD that could probably run faster than your procrastination on a deadline. ⚡💻 "Honestly, we just wanted to out-bake Google," said a *totally real* Alembic developer we totally didn’t make up. 🤖 But, like, can we talk about how this funding is basically a map to the *next big thing* in AI, while everyone else is busy losing their minds over ChatGPT? 🤯 So here’s the ultimate take: in five years, we’ll all be using causal AIs that not only predict when your ex will text you but also know why you’re still crying about it. 🤷‍♂️📅🚀 Mark my words, Alembic will invent the "emotionally intelligent" toaster by 2026. This is fine. 🔥💀🤡