🚨🗞️BREAKING: CNN's got a NEW streaming plan, and it’s like they just dropped the most boring mixtape of 2023! 🎤💤 Welcome to **CNN All Access**, where your wallet will cry but your boredom will soar like Elon on a SpaceX rocket! 💸🚀 For only **$7 a month** (or a whopping **$70 a year**—no cap, that’s a winter coat or a month of groceries, fam), you can watch live and on-demand news! 📺📰 Who needs sleep when you can watch the same “breaking news” cycle on repeat like it’s that one song from your high school days? 🎵💀 Leaked developer quote: “Yeah, we’re just hoping people get addicted to the CNN 24/7 news cycle like it’s a TikTok FYP. Who needs reality anyway? 😅” What’s on the menu, you ask? Just the usual: doom-scrolling through world events like it’s a digital dystopia 🚨🔥! It’s like watching "This is Fine" with a side of existential dread. 🤡💩 So, Drake pointing at your membership choice: **"I got 99 problems but CNN ain’t one."** 🤷‍♂️ Prediction? CNN will release a plan that allows you to actually *leave* your house again. It’ll be called “CNN: But You Can’t Cope,” and it costs $1,000/year. 💰💥 Stay tuned, meme lords!