🚨🩺 BREAKING: APPLE WATCH IS LITERALLY TRYING TO SAVE YOUR LIFE, BUT YOU'RE STILL EATING CHIPS IN BED! 🛌🍟 #HypertensionHustlers💪🔥 So check it out, the Apple Watch just got the green light from the FDA for hypertension alerts! 💰📈 That’s right, the same wrist candy that tracks your steps while you couch-surf is now snitching on your blood pressure. Imagine it’s like your mom but on your wrist - "Hey, Larry, put down the donut, your heart is trying to have a meltdown!" 🤡💀 Listen, Apple is rolling this sweet feature out to Series 11, 10, 9, and even the Ultra 3 and 2. Apple be like: "We got your back while we take your money!" *Drake points at your wallet like “YES!”* 💸🙌 Per a "leaked" convo I totally made up, one dev was like, "Dude, I was just trying to add face filters, but now I feel like a doctor." Another said, "Well, at least now I can say *this is fine* while I watch my blood pressure skyrocket! 🤣🧠🚀 So here’s the hot take, if the Apple Watch starts recommending broccoli recipes next, we might just have to accept we’ve entered a dystopian fitness world. 🍏🌍💀 Get ready to flex those alerts, fam! 🤖🔥 #Stonks #Cringe #Based