👀💥 HOLD UP, AMAZON HATERS! You don’t need to sell your soul to Jeff Bezos just to catch a sweet *discount* — ya boi’s got the 411 on the REAL anti-Prime Day deals for 2025! 🚫📦💸 While *everyone* is out here screaming “STONKS” in front of their Prime subscriptions, let’s flip the script, fam! 💀 Check out these WIRED-endorsed gems that'll have you feeling like an absolute mogul (no cap)! 1️⃣ **Sheets** - Y’all ever slept on these silky smooth clouds? 😴🌙 Get ready to snooze so hard, you’ll wake up ready to revolutionize the world. Yes, my dude, even #SleepTok is taking notes! 2️⃣ **Sex Tech** - We’ve got gadgets that’ll have you yelling “YASSSS” louder than a TikTok soundbyte! 🥵🤖 Get your groove on, cause who needs Prime perks when your bedroom is a 5-star hotel?! 3️⃣ **Fire Pits** - 🔥 Tell your neighbors you’re not just burning your *failed dreams* — you’re actually vibing, my guy! It’s basically a backyard throne for the new-age shaman. But wait, what do our undercover devs say? 🤫 *“Why support Amazon when I can roast marshmallows and summon good vibes instead?!”* — said literally no one, ever. So remember, when Prime Day rolls around, just think, “This is fine” 🐶🔥 and let the chaos guide you to these deals. GOATed prediction: One day, Jeff Bezos will be selling mood lamps on Shopify too. 🚀💰🥳